Adventures in Whoreland

This week I'm bored of Craigslist. Maybe its because I've been too busy to actually peruse the online meat market. Or maybe its because there are the same ads from the same people every day. I've looked and looked and looked but all I see are ads that I've written about before, they're just worded differently.

I don't know, maybe the fact that I'm actually happy with my life, and have been for almost a month now has sizzled out my ability to blatantly, verbally attack complete strangers for their lifestyle choices. Maybe I should re-think this whole happiness schtick.

Meanwhile, I will sit here and work on my plan for world domination. Or better yet, my plan to become famous through MySpace popularity. I mean, if Tila Tequila can do it, why can't I? I'm not as trashy OR dumb. That was mean. Maybe the whole happiness should include being nice. Wait, who am I trying to fool, happy or not, I'm not nice. Meh, tomato, tomahtoe.

Adventures in Whoreland: webdating Wednesday

Why is it that we, as a whole, feel the need to fix things. From cars to houses, to people. Women are generally more prone to "fixing up" their significant others. I've actually heard a woman say that "you have to catch men early to train and fix them". I thought we were looking for a man to spend the rest of our lives with and not dogs. I guess I was wrong on that count.

I'm starting to think, though, that that particular way of thinking is ruining it for the rest of us. If I had a dollar for every time I met a guy who looked promising in the looks, humor, personality department but not so great in the job, making good money department. The funny thing is I don't care about all that other superficial crap. What I care about is the person, but they tend to think I care about whether or not they have a good paying job. Yes, that is sort of important in the long run, but something that can be worked out. I believe that if you have to fix it, don't buy it.

It looks like this guy is looking for his pretty woman. Well, whatever floats your boat.

Looking for a fixer upper ... - 42

Reply to: @craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-10, 11:25AM MST


Seeking a very young (18-25), single, desperate, obedient, down on your luck, semi-homeless, shelter, halfway house, trailer park kinda girl, no kids & no drugs but sexually open minded & decent teeth (at least the front ones) you must be in fairly good physical shape and just in need of some TLC & cosmetic overhaul. I will woo you with flowers and romance. I will pick out your new clothing, jewelry, hair & makeup. provide you with multiple orgasms and help clean & fix you up and make you into my very own classy young trophy girl to hang on my arm and have my way with.

Although with all my financial woes, if I were single and, oh yeah, desperate, I might consider taking him up on his offer.

Adventures in Whoreland: webdating Wednesday

Every week I generally find the same people posting the same ads. Boring boring boring. Every once in a while I find a funny one...though sometimes I'm reaching in the funny department. Then there are those times where I find the proverbial needle in the haystack that is just too good for words. Maybe its the desensitization this insane world has ingrained in my head, but some of the things people like/want just don't really surprise me anymore. But this one...this one made me think. I thought that either the guy who posted this is 1. joking, 2. merely wants to see how far a woman will go (and judging by porn these days, she'll go far) to humiliate her or 3. he really and truly is genuinely intrigued by such a simple human fact. What do you think?

Generous and need pee - m4w - 28

Reply to: @craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-15, 5:28PM MST


I posted this a few days ago and got some responses. But, nobody was really serious. I am very serious and want to do this. If you reply, please include a pic of at least a discription of yourself. I can host and am looking for tonight.

I am a generous man in Chandler looking for a girl who will pee her pants for me. I am goodlooking and am looking for now or really soon. I can host. Here is my pic. If you have one, it would be much appreciated.

The best part? He posted a picture. Now I know that pictures on the 'net aren't reliable, but still...I truly love the pictures. And I truly hope that I see these people, this guy in particular, out in the "real world". Not to be outright mean, but to silently relish in the little secret that they don't know I know. Voracious isn't the right word, but its the first that comes to mind.

Oh how time flies

I can't help but be preoccupied with my impending birthday. In 8 days time I will be 29 years old. Yes, I know, it's not that old. The number isn't really what's getting to me. Sure, its that much closer to the big 3-0, but thats not it. Now I know I'm one of millions that have this problem the older they get and I am most definitely not the first one to express it.

I think its funny how we, as a human race, live. We're born, reared by parents and molded into an "individual". Then we're left to our own devices to birth and rear our own children if we so choose and otherwise make a life for ourselves. At this point in my life I feel as though I'm playing house. But not even a good version of house. With me about to turn 29 and the genius about to turn 11 shortly after I've been thinking a lot about the future, something that is unknown territory to me. In six and a half short years he will be ready to head off to a school some 800 miles away to pursue a long desired career. I realize that things change, but him talking about his plans already is really bringing me to reality.

The more I take a look around at my surroundings I notice...something I can't quite put my finger on. I've just been realizing that I don't think 17 and 18 year olds are old enough, maturity wise, to be out in the world on their own. I go school with a lot of girls around that age, and no offense to them because some of them are actually really rad, but I see it, the lack of life behind their eyes. I honestly don't know how I did it. I clearly was too stupid to be making my own decisions. I started having sex when I was seventeen (nowhere near as early as some of my other friends), got pregnant, graduated high school and married all in a matter of months. Then came 19. Separated after a whole year of playing house, I met who would be a pivotal player in my game of life.

I moved in with my mom, aka the live-in babysitter. I worked full-time and started learning how to live my life again. Enter the pivotal player. She was a anomaly. The anomaly and I then came to what I will now refer to as the wonder years. As in, "I wonder what happened that week because we were so wasted". I was seperated, young and didn't really know the possibilities. And then I found out. Cue the sex, drugs and rock and roll...literally, we partied like rock stars. That lasted until I got pregnant with the princess at 21. Back to playing house. Fast forward to separation yet again. I realized that even though I was, am, a good mom, I'm not cut out for the married life. Too much restraints and shackles. Call me masculine, I call it free-spirited. Nonetheless, I feel at that age I should have still been in high school not taking care of a family.

Now as my looming birthday rears its ugly head I still feel unready to take the world at large. Maybe because I have still not ventured out on my own as a true adult. Or maybe its because I'm high in the ranks of perpetually, emotionally stunted big kids. The very thought of my unreadiness gives me bats. And not the cute little I've-become-smitten-with-a-cute-boy kind of bats, the holy-shit-I-don't-know-what-I'm-doing kind.

Well, what's a girl to do, but go on living life at best while I fight like hell to not lose two of the most important things in my life...my sanity and my self. Emotionally retarded isn't the correct ailment, but its the first that comes to mind.

The bats are back

And its not over a boy either, surprisingly enough. I think those bats are dead. This time its over my impending graduation. This afternoon in the middle of a partial highlight I got called into the directors office. When I walked in I was surprised to find both the director and the financial aid guy, both with big grins on their faces. At first I thought I was in trouble. Then she told me it was just my hours, but they were messed up since I had been terminated.

Even thought my hours weren't showing, the director informed me that I'll be graduating in about 3 weeks. 3 weeks! As excited as I am to be done with school, I'm a little uneasy about it as well. It kind of brings me back to the high school oh-no-I'm-going-to-be-thrown-into-the-real-world feelings. I'm 17 again. Only this time, I'm not about to have a baby, I'm about to embark on a full time actual career. Scary.

Not only did the director freak me out by telling me when I graduate, she freaked me out by telling me that she had a salon for me. A good one she knows I'll do good at. Scary. I don't think I was this freaked when I found out I was pregnant my senior year in high school. Go figure. I guess we'll see what the frightening world has to offer me. The bats are out of control.

Adventures in Whoreland: webdating wednesday is back from sabbatical

Here's the thing about Craigslist personals...the majority of people posting ads on there are lost in a land of delusion. Now, I'm not saying that people don't find "love" through online dating, because it happens, however shitty it ends (case in point, me). However, a lot of the people on here are just plain reaching. Take the ad below. The guy is looking for a woman no bigger than a size 6 with extremely big, fake breasts or someone who wants them. Chances are, that kind of woman is NOt, I reapeat, NOT on Craigslist searching for a mate. She's out trolling the clubs in Scottsdale. I mean, I'm just sayin'.

This "man" posted his MySpace url and I did look at it. After all, I'm nosy and this blahg just wouldn't be the same if I weren't so in other peoples business. He's not bad looking, apparently (according to pics) loaded with a hint of white trashiness. To bring my whole point home though, this man has been posting this, and another similar, ad for about 3 months. Probably longer, 3 months is just all I can remember. Give it up dude, you're not going to find this anomaly through an internet classified ad.

Looking for a wife who wants...

Reply to: @craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-23, 7:29AM MST


YES, I'm Looking for a serious relationship with a SLIM, FIT and attractive Lady who particularly WANTS or already has very large breast implants. I'm talking a woman no larger than a size 6 wanting DD to DDD implants. Yes, I like the "obviously implants" look on a slim tight figure. I'm a very handsome man, 44yo, 5'11", 185lbs and fit. Successful, beautiful homes, all the toys, etc. I seek a SOULMATE who would love to find a man who will give her encouragement and support in developing this extremely busty look. See sample photos below for the look I'm describing. Obviously, it takes a hell of a lot more than boobs to make a relationship but I definitely would like to find a woman who shares this interest before moving forward in a relationship. Feel free to write if you do... and of course, your pic gets mine or go to www dot myspace dot com




Delusion is the right word, and it is the first to come to mind.

New year, old gripes

One thing I hate the most that had to happen to me today, the second day of the new year, is when random dudes off the street ask me to let them fix the dent in my car for a small fee.

Here's the thing...even if I HAD money to spare to fix my car, I'd do it in a reputable car shop...not in the parking lot of a local Circle K. You may think its convenient and you're helping me out, but in my opinion, you're just shady. Especially when I kindly reject your question of, "Do you ever plan to fix that ding in your car?" No a-hole, I was planning on having a dent in my car for the rest of my life. Turns out, there ARE dumb questions. After I kindly rejected his offer by offering that I have no money, but thank you, I left my car to go inside and pay for my gas...but before I made it in, the shady dude pulled up IN FRONT OF ME and blocked the entrance..."Hey ma'am, I'll fix it for you for $100 bucks on the spot!" Being that I may be a huge bitch and pretty mean at times, I'm pretty much real shy and unconfrontational to strangers. I really wanted to tell the guy to leave me alone because him bugging me to let him undent my car would be like me spotting a lady with real bad hair, walking up to her and asking her if I could do her hair. Of course I'd give her a deal. $50 bucks, right here on the spot. I have my shears in the car, who cares if I'm parked in front of McDonalds.

What I thought in my mind and what actually came out of my mouth apparently warranted dirty looks from the men in the truck. As though I were lying about the $10 to my name that I was using for gas. Just leave me alone people. I do NOT want you to fix my dent at Circle K, I do NOT want you to cut me a deal because I told you I don't have money. When I say I don't have money, I really mean I don't have money. I don't mean that I have a couple of extra hundred bucks laying around. Usually what I say, I mean. I may be a girl, but I don't generally have underlying meanings when I say something. I do NOT expect you to read my mind. I appreciate the fact that you are trying to lead a respectable life by running your own business, but leave me along. I don't want your street business. Maybe next time I'll be able to just say all that instead of being polite.

Politeness may be my downfall. Happy New Year to me.