Saturday, April 26, 2008

10 things I hate about you

Regarding driving:

1. It's okay to drive the speed limit.

2. When the light turns green, you're supposed to apply pressure to the gas peddle with your right foot. You are not going to receive an invitation nor is it going to get any greener.

3. If you're going to cut someone off, maybe gas it so that I don't have to slam on my brakes to avoid hitting you because you're going a staggering 10 mph.

4. The whole state of AZ is not a school zone...so there's no need to drive 15 mph everywhere. If you're old you probably shouldn't be driving.

5. Peeling out and making your tires squeal does not, I repeat, does not make you cool.

6. Honking your horn does not make cars go any faster.

7. Pedestrians should use a crosswalk...if I hit you with my car when you're not in a crosswalk, it's not my fault. Be afraid, be very afraid.

8. Super bright lights in your monster bro truck are just annoyingly blinding. Are you trying to compensate for something?

9. If you're getting on the freeway, try speeding it up a little. 20 mph is just going to get you smashed.

10. If you want to ride my ass so bad buy me dinner first, then get me real drunk.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Adventures in Whoreland: webdating Wednesday

It's been a while since I've parlayed any adventures on here. There have been some, not necessarily in Whoreland, more like it's-been-so-long-since-I've-had-good-sexland. But I'm surviving as best as a girl with a 22 year old frat boy's libido can, you know. The boys I have met on the outskirts of Whoreland are the typical promisers of the world type. Where they're smitten with me for a mere second as they spout promises of things I know will never come to be, but I listen, smile, nod and laugh on the inside because I'm not typical. To be honest though, there is that rare moment where I actually believe the randomness...but I'm old and have learned a thing or two so I'm confident in my ability to bounce back from stupidity pretty quickly.

Speaking of bouncing back, I have resumed my purveyance of the ever entertaining Craigslist ads for the sake of my own entertainment and mockery. So since I can't sleep even though I am so freakin' tired, I peruse...it's what I do. This first one pretty much is self explanatory as to why I picked it and I laughed after reading it for about 5 whole minutes.

Dark Haired, Busty, & Tattooed?

Reply to: pers-652******@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-04-22, 10:59PM MST


If that describes you, and you appreciate an attractive easy going man who loves giving head to busty tattooed women, then this posting is definitely for you.

To me, that's some funny shit. I am, in fact, dark haired, busty and tattooed, but chances are this guy means plain brown hair, big fake boobs on a size 2 frame and a tribal butterfly tramp stamp. Classic.

Then this one caught my eye.

Help a guy out::just got a tatoo and cant use my right arm: - m4w - 27 (East valley)

Reply to: pers-6528*******@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-04-22, 11:37PM MST


Just got a tatoo on my right arm and could use some help tonight. Pic for pic

I have to wonder if this guy has ever used this line in real life. I don't really have much to say about this one, I just got a good laugh out of it and thought you might be amused by it as well...though it's hard to tell who will be amused by the things that amuse me, you know, being that I'm easily distracted by shiny, pretty things.

Friday, April 18, 2008

10 things I hate about you

Regarding my stretched ears.

1. No, they don't currently hurt. Why in the hell would I get something done that would permanently hurt? They initially hurt, but just like a regular ear piercing, it stings then the pain goes away once they're healed.

2. Yes, I know they're big, contrary to popular belief I do look in the mirror from time to time so I do, in fact, see how big they are. Oh yeah, and I CHOSE the size I wanted my lobes. I don't need you to tell me.

3. I do know that my ears are going to be big for the rest of my life. I'm not one of those kids these days that are stretching their ears and getting tattoos because it's trendy. I know the repercussions of my actions, I'm almost 30 for crying out loud.

4. Don't attempt to stick your finger in them. I barely let my good friends do it, why would I want some imbecilic stranger with fecal matter covered hands do it. I wouldn't, so don't try.

Regarding my pierced dimples.

5. No, it is not a bar that goes completely across my mouth from cheek to cheek. I am not one of those dumb a-holes that thinks having 50 balls in my face is cool. They're simple barbells in each cheek, just like any other regular piercing, except its in my cheek. Not to mention the fact that a bar going from cheek to cheek would totally prohibit me from talking properly, eating or sucking dick. Don't be a retard.

6. Don't try to touch them. That is unsanitary and icky. Not to mention an invasion of my personal space.

Regarding my face tattoo.

7. This is where the no touching rule is in effect once again. Yes it is real. No I don't draw them on my face every day. Also the fact that I have real good skin and your dirty, oil covered hands touching my face gives me zits.

Regarding any of my tattoos.

8. Yes, they hurt. Parts of my body are pierced and scraped repeatedly with needles. Especially the ones on my face, chest, feet, knuckles and fingers.

Regarding my general appearance.

9. Last time I checked, I wasn't employed by a circus. So oohing and ahhing at me while trying to touch my various appendages are not appropriate. Unless I like you and give you permission. Otherwise, maybe learn some personal boundaries. And as far as I know, I don't have nearly as many tattoos and/or piercings as other people, so maybe go bug them because they're probably way cooler than me and like the attention.

Regarding my general appearance unrelated to my tattoos and/or piercings.

10. Just because there is someone standing next to me who is brown skinned, has dark hair and wearing similar clothing does not mean we're sisters. All brown people look alike, apparently, and we're at work where we have to wear a uniform. And while I'm on the subject, my best friend and I both have dark hair and wear glasses, so that does not mean that we are sisters or twins. She's pasty white and I'm clearly mexican.

Sometimes I just wonder what really goes through people's minds before they speak. I honestly believe that 98% of the population has a hamster running a wheel in place of an actual brain. I know that I am not the smartest, coolest or prettiest girl around, but I'm not a complete retard, *ahem*, mentally challenged. All of what I'm bitching about has actually happened to me in the last two days. I guess that's what I get for working in Snottsdale. Well, I guess I can't really blame it on that, I've had people get out of their cars in parking lots to gawk at me in Tempe and Mesa. Sometimes I kind of miss the good old days where we were judged on our looks and though to be mean miscreants and people would leave us alone. Then I wouldn't be bombarded on a daily basis with an onslaught of inane comments and questions.

Man, is that pms hitting me hard this month.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Marathon of madness

I seem to have lost the ability to sleep at night. But give me sunshine, and I'm all about the zzzz's. At least I was yesterday. I guess I haven't really been home during the day much, what with my crazyness and all, but I took the morning off from the salon and I didn't have to be to Sally's until late in the afternoon.

While I was watching my Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon, I passed out. Upon waking, I discovered the entire left side of my face was covered in something wet and sticky. Now, had I a boyfriend, or something resembling that I would be able to tell you some sort of wacky story about our shenanigans resulting in the aforementioned state of my waking. But alas, that is not the case. It was merely drool. About a gallon of drool. Besides the ick factor, I don't remember the last time I drooled that much, at least sober. When I do drool, it's a sign that there is a definite lack of sleep. What's a girl to do. Nothing but keep on chugging along...at least until next week when my hours are cut short from Sally's. Hallelujah.

Speaking of work, I should probably stop screwing around on my computer and get ready being that I have an early morning client. The genius is home sick and I was real close to calling my client and rescheduling, but the money part won out. So it's off to work I go. At least I actually have the evening off.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Drinking, and working, and kids, oh my!

1. So I've been working a lot lately. And surprisingly, I still never have any money. Don't ask me how it happens, I have yet to figure it out myself.

2. Speaking of working a lot and not having any money, I rarely have time or the energy to drink as much as I used to, thus making me a light weight...go figure. So when I do go out (don't ask how I can drink when I don't have money, all you have to know is that I'm rad) I get drunk faster making me one of two things: 1. a cheap date or 2. very wordy.

3. I had to help do a 5th grade science project about rocket propulsion. To begin my week, then to end it I took 4 1st graders to dinner and the park, by myself, for the princess' birthday. How I survived that, I'll never know. One of the little girls was probably the spawn of Satan and he sent her to torture me for all the shitty stuff I've done in my life.

4. I went on a sort of blind date with a way younger guy who is almost a foot and half taller than me...making out on tip-toes is hard.

In a nutshell...

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Adventures in Horrorland, not to be confused with Whoreland

So amongst everything else going on in my sometimes understimulating, sometimes over exhausting life, my internet has been kaput so I have not had any sort of access to the outside world...otherwise known as Myspace.

Not too much has happened lately. Besides working two jobs, living out of my car and being way too tired to even go out and drink (the alcoholic withdrawals are harsh), things have been pretty meh...yeah, just meh. You know, aside from the occasional road rage or dealing with old ladies, Scottsdale snobs and the general public at my Sally's job. Today though, was stellar. I only worked at Sally's today, so I didn't want to kill myself to get some rest at the end of the day. While there, I always get comments on my multiple piercings and tattoos, but todays comment was by far the weirdest. A crotchety, old, hunched over lady came in looking for a mirror. I pointed her to the aisle and took my place back behind the cash register. She came up with her purchase and as I was ringing her up and putting her stuff in a bag when I heard a meek little voice speak. This is the conversation which ensued:

Crotchety old lady: "You look awful."

I slowly look up in disbelief and say, "Oh...because of my tattoos?"

Crotchety old lady: "Because of your tattoos, your piercings, everything! It makes me sick. It just hurts me that you would do that. It makes me want to cry."

I was in complete and utter awe and shock at what this teeny little white haired version of the crypt keeper was telling me. I didn't say anything to her since I had been rendered speechless. But I'm pretty sure the sassy, gay Mexican I work with smart mouthed her when she told him our music, which was a Rolling Stones song on the radio, "was horrible."

You know she's one of those people that dislikes "those darkies" and "dem wetbacks." Crazy white lady.