Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Adventures in pregoland

It’s official. I’m pregnant. With child. Bun in the oven. Knocked up. Almost 10 years later, on July 6, 2011, I will return to my misadventures in child rearing.

I never thought I’d be having another baby at this stage in my life. Having never wanted any kids, I shelved my dreams of running off to California to follow in Jack Kerouac’s footsteps to live my life on the beach, writing poetry and stories of my adventures, and instead embraced my new life as a mom. I raised, I reared, I disciplined. I have not yet conquered.

Eight years to go until freedom.

That is no longer the case. I guess that’s what happens when you have unprotected sex with your live-in boyfriend. You’d think I would have learned my lesson from the first two.

In all seriousness though, I am pretty excited about the baby. This time it’s different and I’m ready. With my son, I was 17, in my senior year and not the least bit ready. So naturally, I hid the pregnancy for about four months, at which time my mom saw my changing body and confronted me because ‘every mother knows’. I then had to deal with the stressors of being just another pregnant teenage Mexican, something which I’d worked very hard to avoid. Apparently not hard enough. No Mtv’s “16 and Pregnant” offering me money to tell my story. Nope, it was more like my orchestra teacher trying to keep me from performing so as not to influence the kids who looked up to me to get knocked up. I had a pink mohawk…I doubt I was much looked up to at the time. Not to mention the fact that the purveyors of my high school were already having unprotected sex and abortions long before I joined the ranks of the sexually active.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was in the midst of my roaring 21st year where I’m pretty sure I was drunk more often than I was sober. My ex and I were separated at the time and merely started sleeping together when his mom died of lung cancer. It was a very melancholy period and I decided that some vodka was in order…and apparently some sex. Note to self: it’s never a good idea to console someone with your vagina. It opens up a huge can of worms that’s better left tightly sealed. But alas, the universe had other plans for me. I was in a state of denial. I did not want to be pregnant. I was having way too much fun spreading my wings, so to speak. I mean, I had just gotten so good at drinking, no boy could drink me under the table. I was a champ at beer bongs and beer pong and waterfalls, oh my! I was dating, well, dating for a constantly drunken 21 year old girl whose favorite pastime was to prowl college parties for hot, young collegiate. The very last thing I wanted was another baby. Especially after my best friend gave birth to her baby four months before my due date brought back the memories of my previously painful and traumatizing birthing experience. Shortly after though, I said ‘see you later’ to my party ways and got ready for baby number two.

I am now a very strong believer in the everything happens for a reason school of thought.

This time, though it was, surprise, not a planned pregnancy, I’m at peace with the fact that I will now have three mini-me’s. I didn’t have to hide it from anyone. My party ways have long since left me since I no longer have the energy to get all gussied up for a night on the town, or rather, a night full of beer and instead traded it for nights in watching zombie movies with Jason and my pipe. So I don’t really feel like I’m missing anything, though I’m sure my friends are probably having way more fun than I am. I doubt that they are having as many crazy adventures as I am though. My life is never boring, that’s for damn sure. What with a 13 year old boy with out of control hormones and bouts of emo-ness and a 9 year old girl who thinks she’s in her 20’s and is learning how to skate board, breaking her first bone recently. An ex-husband who’s, well, a hand full. My mother living in my back yard and a sister who lives two houses away from me which grants me a bevy of teenage boys running in and out of my house and a cat who seems as though she is constantly in heat and who I’m pretty sure is trying to kill me. Yup, I’d say my life is never boring, as much as I would sometimes like it to be. So I feel as though I’m ready for this. Upon hearing the news Jason immediately started wondering if we would be able to ‘do this’. “Yes,” I replied, “It’s just a baby. No big deal, I’ve done this before.” With that being said, I will admit that I am a little scared. It has, after all, been almost 10 years since I’ve had a baby. Contrary to popular belief, it is not like riding a bicycle.

So I happily lay my fat, pregnant ass on the couch all day when I’m not working watching movies and eating food I know I shouldn’t be eating even though I crave it constantly. I’m pretty sure the baby will come out looking like a cheeseburger. I’m keeping a list of names I like and cleaning the house constantly when I have tiny bouts of energy that are few and far between. I’ll tell you what, being pregnant at 17 and 21 is a huge difference to being pregnant at 31. I’m older, more tired, more surly and have more aches and pains than my 66 year old mom. Plus, I don’t think I can handle bigger boobs. What’s the size after DD? Because that’s where I’m headed, and that is never a place I wanted to be. Ah, such is life.

Everything really does happen for a reason. And then there were 3.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Adventures of a once dark and cynical mistress

I've been real happy lately. So basically, I find that writing is a little harder for me now. Being that I drew on my dark, cynical and depressed nature for material which made it, in my opinion, witty, funny and dryly sardonic. That and the fact that I no longer drink, there are no more adventures in which I get shit housed, wake up next to a guy I barely know and therefor have some writing material, what with my gruesome feelings of loneliness and depravity. What have I turned into?!

I'm actually glad that things are going so well, though, regardless of my need for self loathing for writings sake. I just don't find my happy life as funny or interesting. I work, I go home, I hang out with the boyfriend, take care of the kids, get high, pass out, lather, rinse and repeat. It's weird, I went for so long being angry and hating life, and not because of my failed relationships and one night stands, though I do miss those...the one night stands, that is, NOT the failed relationships as I consider those the stepping stones to the awesome that I have since become. The excitement of meeting a new guy, dirty making out at the bar, dry humping in the parking lot, leaving a note thanking him for the hot sex and slipping out into the wee hours of the morning while he slumbers. Ah, good times. Now I feel the excitement when my boo sparingly decides he wants his D in my G. Oh how the times have changed.

In all seriousness, things are going well. After his stint in rehab and a couple of months readjusting to sober life, he seems to be standing up straight, so to speak, working and learning how to have fun without the aid of drugs or alcohol. I, on the other hand, still smoke to my heart's content. I can't help it, I don't sleep otherwise. And I just like getting high, guess I can't really church it up. I should probably put the pipe down for a while soon though, I feel my blonde roots showing through more and more even though I only smoke at night. My stoner retardedness has gotten the best of me lately. Also maybe a reason for the drop in blahging...I'm not up all night, feeble from insomnia and pissed off at the world for the lack of good late night television. Go figure. But I digress.

So the kids are doing real well. So well, in fact that my 13 year old sometimes emo, sometimes obnoxious giant of a kid has been invited and accepted into the National Junior Honor's society and has decided to enroll in a highly academic charter school for his duration of high school. The princess has been doing quite well for herself as well. While she rocks a faux hawk with confidence, as a result of a pesky and persistent lice problem, she's getting straight A's. Although it is quite easy to make straight A's in the 4th grade, she's doing so well her teacher gave her an A in writing, which she informed me she never does, and told me that she is basically a perfect student. Which made me wonder if she had the right kid. She's also playing the violin, which makes me so happy because I played it for many, many years.

Note to all the bitches whom have judged this book by it's cover: HA! My kids are awesome and well rounded and doing great in life in general. So suck on that.

The only thing that's missing is enough money to fully pay my own bills so I don't have to depend on the maternal unit so much. Though I see that light at the end of the tunnel as I've been busier at work and J has starting working a little more full time lately. So yay for that.

So my dark thoughts have been pushed back to the depths of my huge brain while happy thoughts fill the forefront and infect the rest of my mind with flowers and rainbows and puppies, oh my! I need to find a balance between darkness and happy. We'll see how that goes.

Now I must sit my happy ass at work for another 3 hours, after which J will take me shopping for a new hoody (i love hoodies more than shoes) and take me to a nice dinner. See?! Happy. Ugh.

xoxo

Monday, October 04, 2010

A search for...something

Oftentimes I wonder why I haven’t found myself yet. 31 and I feel like I am finally coming into my own, but how am I to know really. And the fact that I have to question whether or not I've found myself, whatever that means, also shows that I may have not found myself.

In my current relationship though, I feel more at ease and have easily fallen into the wife-mother-woman paradox, more or less, though the wife part is technically girlfriend but I feel as if I've now been married for 10 years! My first relationship was all first everything's so there wasn't much time to figure anything out. The second relationship was, well, I don't really know what that was. It was me on the rebound searching for someone to love me with stars in my eyes and blinders to cheaters on. Words falling out of an untruthful mouth upon trusting ears. That's what that was. This one, well this one has been a flurry of partying, hangovers, drugs and sobering up. So now is the good part where we can actually relax and just be in the relationship, so to speak. Basically, I couldn't be happier at the moment.

There is still something tugging at the back of my mind though. The loss of my self in all this mothering, girlfriending, managing shit.

Through all this "who am I" shit, I’ve figured out what my problem is. At the peak of my teenage-hood I was impregnated. It was the second semester of my senior year as I was really coming into my own. I graduated, 7 months pregnant, got married to my high school sweetheart and had my son. Three and a half years later, in the midst of our seperation, I became with child again.

Note to self: never console an ex over a dead relative with your vagina.

9 months later, my daughter was born. I was 22. Having just started on a sexual quest I was abrubtly shoved back into the screaming world of motherhood. Or at least more so than I was before. Strapped down with two kids and a husband, how is one to find what you want to be? You're hard to find amongst cries of “Mommy, I’m hungry!”, “Mommy wipe my ass!”, “Mommy, I want, I want, I want!” what’s a mother to do, but delve into the role the universe so obviously wanted me to star in and try, hard as it may be, to embrace it. Thirteen years later, as I write this, I still wonder, “Who am I?"

Although given that my youngest is almost in her double digits, age wise, I do believe that in 9, hopeully, short years I will be left to my own devices and my lifelong search for self as the kiddos embark on their own adventures in horrorland on a quest to find themselves.

All I can say is, I’m as lost as the rest of you, but I'm happy, so that counts for something, right? Right?

Photobucket

Monday, August 23, 2010

Rescue me

I'm bored. Bored with life, with work, with things in general. Not that I dislike my life, since things seem to be slowly, but surely falling into place. I think it's just the stress of everyday life that's boring me. I'm bored with stress. Though who's to say stress is fun. Entertaining at times, but never fun. The boyfriend and I are in a better place, he's doing well with his new found soberness. The kids are finally back in school, so my daily food supply has gone up and the daily knife fights between the kiddos has lessened. I'm working out daily and eating better, so I'm losing weight and feeling better about myself. But the stress is there. It's slow at work right now, the bad economy plus a slow season equals me sitting on my ass NOT getting paid to do nothing. On the plus side, I've gotten a lot of summer reading done. The slowness, however, corelates with the stressors of not having enough money to pay all my bills. Something I've come to become fond of, since I like having a phone, cable, oh, and a house to live in with electricity and water and gas. All silly things to want, but a necessary evil none the less.

I don't know. I feel lately like I'm aimlessly wandering through life with unseeing eyes. Nothing catching my attention for longer than 5 minutes. Like walking through a fog and catching a glimpse of a ray of light, but losing interest in looking for it after an unsuccessful 5 minutes.

::sigh:: I hate feeling like this. And good sex doesn't even seem to be quashing this feeling. That's when you know something's wrong with me...when a good romp in the sack can't pull me out of my emo-ness. Generally, there's nothing like a good shag to get me out of any funk. Guess this might be one of those things I might have to actually face head on to figure out what it is. Pshaw, who wants to do that? Not I, said the fly.

Before I bore myself to sleep with this boring blahg, I'll leave it at that. Ruts are not fun to talk about with the general public unless I know what the cause of said rut is. Until next time.

xoxo

Monday, August 16, 2010

Things and stuff and whatever

I used to think my brain was big. Huge even. Why would I think this? Because 90% of my cousins, along with the nickname 'cupcake', called me pumpkin head. Not like the movie, but because they said my head was so big. I have since learned that my head wasn't really that big but that I just hadn't grown into it. And in having a big head, I was under the conviction that I just had a really big brain. This may not be true. Currently, my mind is so overrun with random crap that my normal sized brain is filled to the brim. Here is a list of what is currently on this massive organ of mine.

1. Money: this is one thing that will never go away. Unless I start making a shit ton of it, in which case I'm sure I will become obsessed with making more, as I already am, just not as ambitiously. This being on my mind because I don't make enough of it. Supporting 4 people on my small, commission based income is no bueno. The bad economy and the slow summer months are definitely taking its toll. More and more of my clients are waiting longer between haircuts and colors, or no longer getting colors done by me, that it hurts. But, no use crying over spilled milk, I just gotta keep on keeping on (yes, I just said that...I may also be going crazy).

2. Excercise: I have started working out at an actual gym. No longer do my workouts consist of sitting on the couch wearing workout gear watching Charmed while saying I'm going to move my ass. And so far so good! I have lost 10.5 pounds, which I think is pretty sweet. 50 more pounds to go! One good thing I can say about excercise is that I get a mad rush of endorphins and feel kind of high, which helps since I no longer drink.

As I write this, my mind has gone totally blank! I really need to start writing stuff down when I think it so I don't have these problems. I could also probably get more sleep, stop stressing and lay off the pipe, then maybe I could finish a blog without feeling like an asshole since I thought I was so clever writing this and have to stop midway to say I feel like an asshole for forgeting what I'm writing about. Well, it probably wasn't that important OR clever anyway.

Ah, such is life in horrorland. Until next time.

xoxo

Monday, July 26, 2010

Adventures in old lady land

I am currently of the belief that I am experiencing a mid-life crisis. I am, however, not in mid-life. How does that work? I'm not really sure, but what I am sure of is that I am getting restless. The problem is that I am nowhere near where I thought I'd be at the ripe ole age of 31. Published novel? Sure. Traveling the world? Normal. Has any of that happened? No. I am well aware of how many people my age and even older, are in the same predicament...however, I am only worried about myself for the moment.

While I hold a management title at my salon, I'm not very busy, as a stylist that is. While in the midst of the hellish summer months, most people flee the state for cooler pastures. Snow birds fly north for the summer while the ASU students find their ways back home with laundry baskets brimming and a break from the busy season of partying, otherwise known as education. Not to mention the shitty economy we are suffering, my income is less than a teenagers first job, Not fun. That stacked with my mounting stressors and a recently turned teenage boy and a 9 going on 30 year old girl, the chaos has brought me to my knees succumbing to what, in my mind, is a mid-life crisis.

And yes, I do understand that in order to go through a mid-life crisis, you have to be middle aged. I, however, have convinced myself that since I had the genius at the ripe, young age of 18, that pushes me up to middle age status. My tremendous amount of white hair should also be a factor. Ok, I exaggerate sometimes, doesn't mean I don't feel that I have way too much white hair for a 30 something, hot young mother.

This is exactly why I was of the "I don't wanna grow up" mantra growing up. I knew that getting older, while holding some likable benefits, really is a huge pain in the ass. I mean, besides the bills, raising kids and that whole being responsible thing, I don't see a whole lot to look forward to. At least until after my 60's since I'll have already gone through menopause and will be retired. Oh, and my kids will be grown, and hopefully, out of my house.

Ah, such is life. I think my biggest problem at the moment, besides rapidly growing older, is that I complain too much. Try as I might, I can not find the bright happy sunshine light at the end of the tunnel everyone around me is telling me to look for. Maybe a big decision I'm trying to make will help relieve my stress/bitchiness, at least a little.
Until then, yours truly, Malice in Horrorland

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

What is yet to come

Wow, it's been a minute since I've been on here. Truth be told, I got a little lazy with the whole blogging thing, mainly because I haven't had internet for some months now. I know, I know, I could have taken my lazy ass to a library, coffee shop or McDonalds for the free wifi, but the thought of sitting there blogging just makes my skin crawl. At the moment, I still don't officially have the net at home, but I can, however, sit in my increasingly hot back yard to catch a signal. For some strange reason (read: my house is brick) I can't get a signal anywhere in my house...but 5 feet from the back door? Sure, I get all the signal I need. So I have recently decided to suffer through the hell that is Arizona and happily type my sweaty ass off for the sake of my one loyal reader. Hey, I'm just realistic. Well, I will be revamping soon, meanwhile, I'm fighting with photoshop with an image I had Jason draw up for me for http://www.cafepress.com/porvida, Check it out. I'm trying my hand at the wonderful world of entrepreneaurship. Maybe I should try my hand at the wonderful dictionary so I can learn how to spell, because I'm pretty sure I fucked that up. Ah well, such is life, I'm overworked, under payed...blah blah blah. So after my battle with photoshop, I've decided to revamp this lil' page cause it's about damn time. I apologize for the clusterfuck of words, I'm just not in the mood to be literarily correct. So have a great night and we will chat soon. I promise...dad.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Life at the moment

It has been quite a while since I've been on here. What have I been up to as of late, you may ask? And by you, I mean the one person who still reads this every 6 months when i deign to write something. I've been up to not a whole lot. Mostly work. And making stuff, still. I've decided I need to get back to blahgging and writing because my creativity has gone down the toilet and I need to fish it out, so to speak. I also need to get my ass on the ball with my wedding head pieces so I can make some much needed money. Wow, I feel real boring right now. But I don't really have a lot of time at the moment, so this will be short and sweet. And...the end.