I get bored easily. I get restless. I like to get away from it all, if just for a tiny while. Right now is one of those times. In this big city, where I can't even see the stars, where everyone is moving fast, no time to stop and smell the roses, where there's time limits, expiration dates, it's hard to find any kind of clarity. Yes, I know, if I really want it, I'll find it. But that's not really how I work. And I know that going somewhere else, running away if you will, doesn't get rid of your problems or make them better...but for me...for me its about gaining the ability to see the answers as the clouds are lifted. Some of you get it, some of you don't. Just like me...some of you get me, some of you don't.
It often amazes me when someone gets me. Though I myself do not think I'm all that complex, many find it hard to understand me or where I'm coming from. Oddly enough, I've run into that a lot lately. I admit, sometimes I'm a walking contradiction. But I'm just a woman. A woman trying to find peace of mind...trying to avoid conflict, though let me tell you, conflict does NOT want to avoid me...trying to educate my kids on how not to be complete assholes...basically just trying to get through life as best as I can for myself and my kids to be happy. Though at certain times of my life that may seem impossible. But as they say, nothing's impossible, only...oh, I can't think of the word here...help me out here.
With all that being said, I should probably be going to bed. I have school in the morning, even if I haven't been wanting to go lately, and I need to actually be there. After all, the new Vice President of student council cannot shirk her duties as the President's "bitch". Yes, that's right, I got voted into the vice presidency. What were they thinking?
I'm getting eaten alive out here by mosquitoes, but of course, outside is the only place I can get the net...go figure. Oh, and more new...I got my lip pierced. I'm not that big a fan of facial piercings for myself, and yes, I know I have my septum pierced, but I can tuck it away if needed. The lip ring is not something you can just hide, especially since it takes about 6 weeks to heal. But, it was something new to do. Besides, the kids think its cool. Then again, they think everything I do is cool...oh, except for walking them to their classes now. The genius likes to get dropped off and doesn't want me holding his hand anymore either. It's a sad day when your kid is too old for that. The princess still lets me do it, but only after I asked her why she was embarassed of me, to which she replied, with a heavy sigh, that she wasn't and that I could walk her to class still...but I'm pretty sure it was only out of guilt. Guilt that she'd made mommy feel bad. ::sigh:: I never thought they would get too old for me or too embarassed of me. I know I don't look like the other moms and some might think that's why they would be embarassed of me, but that is not the case. Me looking like this is all they've known. Tattoos, colored hair, piercings and all. Alas, I guess there comes a time in every kids life when they grow to a certain kind of independance that keeps their mother from holding their hands...walking them to class...I don't think I was ready for this quite yet. They're still so young. Hell, I'M still so young. That's life I guess. Resulting from the path in the fork in the road I chose to take. And to think, I still have AT LEAST 12 more years of this to go through. I. Can't. Even. Wait.
That is if...and it's a big IF...I don't have any more kids. The truth is though, that I've been going through a patch of "baby fever". For those of you who know me, and know me well, you know I DO NOT get baby fever. And yet, here I am, reaching to hold any baby within my grasp. Scary, I know. However, as rash and impulsive as I may be at times, this is not to say that I want one now. I refuse to have a baby out or wedlock. Ironic, I know, being that I got knocked up in high school, but I'm somewhat older and wiser now. This is not to say I want this for my future though, necessarily. As I've said before, I get bored easily...I change my mind at the drop of a hat. Maybe this too will pass. With me sometimes you never know what you're going to get. Bipolar isn't the right infliction, but its the first that comes to mind.
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