Closure is a girls best friend

As I was sitting at home today waiting to take the princess to school, I started to watch High Fidelity. If you haven't seen it, it's about John Cusack and his search for closure and himself in the midst of a current breakup. His search includes a bevy of lost loves he contacts to find out why they left him. That's the jist of it, anyway. And I started thinking about my past relationships.

I've only had two actual relationships. The first one that eventually ended in divorce and the second one which gave me no closure.

The ex and I met in high school. I'd had a crush on him in junior high because he had a cute butt and this amazing long, red, curly hair. In high school, I pursued him. We had a mutual friend and I got his number. We started dating and everything was kosher. Then I got knocked up with the genius. It's weird the amount of shit we've been through. We basically grew up together...and at the same time, grew apart. Things are different when you're in high school to when you have actual responsibilities and "grown up" duties when you're still a teenager. But through our ups and downs, we made it, and in the process have raised some pretty amazing kids. Eight and a half years of marriage. That's a long time. But now we get along great. When I tell people that, mostly the reaction is, "Why don't you get back together then if you get along so great?" My answer to that is, "We get along great as friends and nothing more." They don't really seem to understand. We grew apart, but at the same time, grew into a bit of a brother/sister type relationship. I was once told that it should be easy to just forget about him and erase him from my life. Impossible. He is, after all, the father of my children and there is no way he would ever not be in my life and vice versa. As far as the relationship goes though, that chapter of my life is closed.

Next chapter, my relationship with the weasel. I don't even really know how to describe it. It was fast, that's for sure. I'm not going to go into that much detail with this one, mainly because it was only about five months of sitting around and getting high and doing nothing. Also because I still don't really know what happened there. With this one, I got no closure. Finding out on myspace that he's engaged to someone else (i will not vilify other people no matter how badly i want to) and then getting dumped via e-mail, to me, does not closure make. So that was the end of that lobotomized chapter.
Main Entry: clo·sure
Pronunciation: 'klO-zh&r
Function: noun
1. : an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality ; also : something (as a satisfying ending) that provides such a sense

Fast forward to now with the new guy. It's been a little over two months, but I wouldn't really call it a relationship. I call it a "thing". We're taking it nice and slow. No labels, no expectations...just chill and relaxed and enjoying each other's company. Who knows what will happen here, after all, this chapter is still being written. But he did meet the kids yesterday. We had a birthday party for the princess and I invited him. I don't think it was too bad. The ex was there, of course, with his family, my family and some friends were there. It was a good night. And I think it went pretty well, not just the party, the new guy being there. The thing I liked best about that part was when aaron AND the new guy tag team (get your mind out of the gutter) teased me. They're cool with each other...so far...and that's important, being that the ex WILL be in my life as well as the kids' lives.

I know I overthink things a little too much, but my mind is a constant battlefield of thoughts and I can't help it. Although, yesterday, I got my chakra's cleansed. I know, it sounds funny, but it was pretty amazing. My heart chakra was blocked, I'm not really surprised. I closed myself up. It happens, you're in a bad relationship, and you don't want to let anybody in. I don't share myself easily, always wary of getting hurt. But I have let him in, just a little. So we'll see where this goes. Can't wait wait to see the ending. It's like a surprise you get in July that's supposed to be a 'do not open til Christmas' type of thing. Only time will tell.

All in all though, I think everyone needs closure. It helps the healing process begin. All that happens when there is no closure is bitterness, cynicism and pessimism build up and boil till a part of you is lost and can't see a way out. It sucks. I'm sure most of you know what I'm talking about. Take a couple of drinks. A few pills. Repeat.

I'm happy right now, and that's all that matters though...at least in this point in time. Things have been worse and at this point, I believe (hope mostly) that things can only get better from here. Just for the record, today's weather is hopeful with a chance of possibilities.